Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Zombie Terror Alert In Germany: Nostradamus Speaks

Zombies have always been with us. Archive image shows German firemen circa 1941 being trained to follow the sound of jelly being smashed. Fascists - then as now - cf Rumsfeld et al - have a peculiar horror of the unsolid, and hence of course the living dead ("...and all that is solid melts into air..." Marx 'n' Engels, Communist Party Manifesto 1872; "In the City of Washing there will be a great Wobbling, a False Believer torn apart by Chaos; while the Bush endures, all Morality will succumb, the Great Big Jelly will begin and never end, so there..." Nostradamus, The Prophecies, 1555).
A pile of jelly left beside the roadside after a wedding party (typical behavior - "We're all pissed as rats, let's..... I KNOW! - let's leave some JELLY out in the street!") was investigated as being toxic waste or worse by heavily protected firemen and others for two hours here in Germany before they decided that it was the wobbly dessert: a mixture of water, extract of dead animal, and chemical colours and aromas, we are not told what flavour. They conducted a number of tests, the conclusive one presumably being to taste it.
Or so the official story runs. In fact, as any reader of the Zombie Survival Guide would know, Zombies are adept at leaving small terror-parcels as traps for the unwary. And just as Zombies are by definition indistinguishable from human beings, so they can leave pools, for example, of stuff that is indistinguishable from vomit, even down to the bits of tomato skin you always get even if you never eat tomatoes, and those who even look at it run the risk of becoming the walking, reeking, undead.

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